Posted by: Tamara Harrison | June 7, 2011

A dark night, the stark Light


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I felt like darkness was consuming me and all was chaos. My mind was home to a host of anxieties and fears. And no one was there to help. Even if there was, I didn’t want to talk. It felt too painful to open up the door of my heart and let the turbulence inside me pour out. No one would understand. I wanted to keep it all inside, spinning around and around, churning up the battle in my soul.

This was the emotional turmoil going on inside of me last night as I lay down in bed. I had just furiously consumed almost an entire box of chocolate mint thins-a common occurrence when I’m feeling so out of control. The thoughts in my mind stacked on top of another, fighting each other for supremacy.

What is going on? What is our future? When am I going to get a job? Where are we going to live? What am I supposed to do?

And then because Satan loves to use doubt and anxiety as a foothold, I heard the destructive thoughts come crawling in.

You’re not good for anything. You have no purpose. You can’t even keep the house clean. Why are you even trying? You’ve wasted your life. You’re not doing anything right. You have no future. You’ve ruined it all. You’ll never succeed. There’s no hope.

I tell you my friend, this was a dark night. I hadn’t felt such attack in a long time, such utter hopelessness and despair, such a noisy soul. It had been building slowly over days and had climaxed at this particular moment. I wanted to know where God was and why He had left me.

As I lay in that bed I knew what I had to do. I felt the Holy Spirit nudging my heart softly to go to Him. He wasn’t going to force me; it was my choice to make. It wasn’t a hard choice. I was a sobbing, sniffling mess. I wasn’t going to get any sleep like this. So I slipped out of bed and onto the couch in my living room with my daily devotional book “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young.

I flipped to today’s date and started reading. “The world is too much with you, my child” it started. “Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots.” It went on to describe how this leads to a darkened mind that forgets that God is with me.

Wow. It couldn’t have described me more accurately. Notice it started by calling me God’s child. Ever since I began a relationship with God I’ve always heard and felt Him calling me His “child”. It has been a term that He’s used in my darkest times to get my attention and remind me that I am His and He is mine. A term I had forgotten. A term that grabbed my attention once again and brought me into His arms. Brought me to a state of dependence on my God and remembrance that He is with me.

And then the verses. The verses that met me where I was, infused my very being with truth. Truth that bathed every corner of my soul with love.

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”

This doesn’t just tell me not to fear, it gives me the best reason in the world not to: God is with me. And it equips me with the promise that He will help me and give me His victory.

He. Is. With. Me.

Zephaniah 3:17.
For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

This one I personalized. Tamara’s God is living with her. He is Tamara’s mighty savior. With His love, He will calm all Tamara’s fears. He rejoices over Tamara with joyful songs.

It brought me to tears in unbelief over His love for me. It just shook me to the core because it made me so aware of His love. And His love is the most valuable thing in the world.

And finally, psalm 34:19.

The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

Tamara faces many, many, many troubles. BUT the Lord comes to her rescue every time.

God came to my rescue last night. He rescued me with His love. He rescued my by showing me who He is. I remembered. I remembered His love and was ushered into the awareness that He rejoices in me, sings over me in love, holds me up, and helps me. He is my Lifeline. No matter what I’m going through, He is there.

I went back to bed last night and fell asleep instantly. Had my circumstances changed? Not in the slightest. But God was with me. He always was, but I hadn’t realized it. I had forgotten my Lifeline and allowed my heart and soul to sink under the anxieties and fears of life. It’s amazing how one verse from His word can send Satan running, slay my burdens, and set me free.

Oh God, thank you for setting me free through Your Truth. I know in order to stay free I need to keep coming back to it, saturating myself in it. You never left me. You are always with me. Thank you for being the author of love in my life. Let me please never forget it. In Jesus name, Amen.

Have you forgotten that God is with you today?

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